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My emails collection, funny & those worth sharing

Words of wisdom

Woman asks:
 
  

If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?
 
 
 
 
Man replies:
 

It’s very simple.
 
Confucius said ‘When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock.
 

But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!’.

June 18, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Important lesson in Life

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall

to see the farmer and his wife open a package.  
“What food might this contain?”  The mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, 
the mouse proclaimed this warning :
“There is a mousetrap in the house!  
There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, 
raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, 
I can tell this is a grave concern to you, 
but it is of no consequence to me.  
I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, 
“There is a mousetrap in the house!  
There is a mousetrap in the house!”

 The pig sympathized, but said, 
“I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, 
but there is nothing I can do about it 
but pray.. 
Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said, 
“There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!”

             
The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, 
but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, 
head down and dejected, 
to face the farmer’s mousetrap 
. . .. Alone.. . ..

That very night 
a sound was heard throughout the house
 — the sound Of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.  
In the darkness, she did not see it.  
It was a venomous snake 
whose tail was caught in the trap.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital.    

When she returned home she still had a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever 
with fresh chicken soup.
So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard 
for the soup’s main ingredient:

But his wife’s sickness continued.  
Friends and neighbors 
came to sit  with her 
around the clock.
To feed them, 
the farmer butchered the pig.

But, alas, 
the farmer’s wife did not get well… 
She died.                

So many people came for her funeral 
that the farmer had the cow slaughtered 
to provide enough meat for all of them
for the funeral luncheon.

And the mouse looked upon it all 
from his crack in the wall 
with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear 
someone is facing a problem 
and you think it doesn’t concern you, 

remember —

                                

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out for one another 
and make an extra effort 
to encourage one another.

                  
YOU MAY WANT TO SEND THIS 
TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER 
HELPED YOU OUT…  

          

AND LET THEM KNOW 
HOW  IMPORTANT THEY ARE.

– REMEMBER – 

EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD 
IN ANOTHER PERSON’S TAPESTRY.

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER
FOR A REASON.            

One of the best things to hold onto
In this world is a FRIEND.

June 17, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Damn Goooood!

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the
bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the
corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best
friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in
the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave
away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
“What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons. …What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

They fainted!

June 16, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Damn Goooood!

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the
bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the
corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best
friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in
the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave
away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
“What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons. …What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

They fainted!

 

June 15, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Update on best Ingliss maid in pippels lepubrick of China (1)

June 14, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Best Criminal Case of the Century

This true story took place in Charlotte , North Carolina , in 2008.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.


Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.


In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires”.


The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

But the lawyer sued and.. WON!

(Stay with me!)


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous…


The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable “fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.


Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.


NOW FOR THE BEST PART…


After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!


With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

June 13, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

蛋殼雕 egg shell Carving

Egg Shell Carving in Power Point Presentation

Enjoy

Carvingeggshells

June 13, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Photo of snake outside Cardwell by a local council worker

This photo was taken 12/5/11 at highway upgrade in the Cardwell (QLD) area.

June 13, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Innocence is bliss

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK..
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.”

BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MUMMY… I JUST HAVEN’T DONE IT YET.”

MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”

imap://bev@mail.milson.id.au:993/fetch%3EUID%3E.INBOX%3E1004?part=1.3&filename=ATT00002.gif

BILLY SAYS:
“IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!”

June 12, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Man of the House

Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man of Your House.”

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The f*cking funeral director would be my first guess.”

June 11, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Out of the mouth of babes

Out of the mouth of babes

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman’s’ yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, ‘Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.’

************ ********* ********* ********* ******

Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, ‘I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..’

‘What does it mean to be adopted?’, asked
another child.

‘It means’, said the girl, ‘that you grew
in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!’

************ ********* ********* ********* ******

On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
‘We’re behind 14 to nothing,’ he answered
With a smile.

‘Really,’ I said. ‘I have to say you
don’t look very discouraged. ‘

‘Discouraged? ‘, the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face…

‘Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t
Been up to bat yet.’

************ ********* ********* ********* ******

Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement. ‘Guess what, Mom,’ he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me….’I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.’

************ ********* ********* ********* ******

True Story: An eye witness account from New York
City ; On a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
‘My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window!’

‘I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,’was the boy’s reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel..

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks… Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes…

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, ‘No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.’

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.

‘Are you God’s wife?’

************ ********* ********* ********* ******

SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.
Hope this put a smile on your face it

June 10, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

June 9, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN’T ANSWER

 Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

 

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

 

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

 

What is the speed of darkness?

 

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?

 

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

 

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

 

Did you ever stop and wonder……

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’

 

Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’

 

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs !

 

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Stop singing and read on……

 

 

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Does pushing the lift button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

 

June 9, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

WOMEN’S REVENGE

WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase..
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . ‘HEBREWS’



The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM .’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight

Furious, he was about to go and<a title="Fun, Entertainment,

Wallpapers, Videos,Jokes & mOre Only @ MumbaiHunGama” href=”http://prolinks.rediffmailpro.com/cgi-bin/prored.cgi?red=http://mumbaihangout.org/rnd.php&isImage=0&BlockImage=0&rediffng=0&#8243; rel=”nofollow” target=”_blank”>see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a

rough draft before the masterpiece



SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

June 7, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment